How I survived the Anti-Pinterest Birthday Party.


I didn’t know that this was possible.

Every year, my kids insist on turning a year older, and then they do that thing where they pick the thing I don’t want to do most of all, which is a birthday party where I need to talk to strangers about entertaining their kids for a few hours, thus breaking my introvert bubble MUCH TO MY DISPLEASURE… they pick that and then they look at me with their big sad eyes and ask for AN AWESOME PARTY WITH THEIR AWESOME FRIENDS, and right when I am about to say no, they kick me in the womb by snuggling with me and reminding me that they were once little tiny things who kept me up all night by being completely adorable while chewing on my boob 2-3 times between the hours of midnight and 6 AM.  WHO CAN STAND AGAINST SUCH TRICKERY?!

Not I, said the worn out mom.

So my Eldest went ahead and turned nine at the beginning of this month, and she begged and begged for a party.  She wanted it at the pool! No, at the gym! No, at the rock climbing place! No, at the MALL OF FREAKING AMERICA! No, at home! DING DING DING! You said it kid, that’s the one we are going with.

I spent three furious days scouring Pinterest for anything rainbow and/or unicorn related, as that was the chosen AWESOME THEME for the AWESOME PARTY. I fretted about the cost that adds up when you factor in cute invitations, and party gifts for those attending, and balloons, and decorations, and fancy cakes and the decorations those entail, and streamers, and all the things I would need to make like Unicorn Poop Chocolate that Pinterest highly recommended that I make if I really wanted to make it special.  Also, I would definitely have to construct hand-crafted unicorn horns for all the little girls, and they will probably want fancy unicorn tales, and I should probably head to Michael’s and get some crafty things to make crafty things to keep the girls ENTERTAINED WHILE ALSO PARTICIPATING IN CONSTRUCTIVE LEARNING THINGS DURING WHICH THEY WOULD LEARN CONSTRUCTIVE… THINGS… And the fruit definitely needs to be served FANCILY.  Like cut into shapes and stuff… and maybe decorated with sprinkles because that’s what unicorns would do?  So I need to account for the time that would take.  And also the cost of buying organic fruit cause WHAT IF I KILL ONE OF THE GIRLS WITH MY PESTICIDE SOAKED FRUIT.  The main meal should probably be, like, roast duck or something…. Because that’s healthy and also awesome.  Just like unicorns. And rainbows.

Pinterest is where good intentions go to die, just so you know… if you haven’t figured that out yet…

Birthday parties stress me out.  I have no idea why.

So we did things a little differently this year.  I had the Birthday Girl type up a simple invitation on my computer, we printed off a bunch of copies, and she brought those to school…. three days before the party.  Cause that’s how we roll (and right now, half of my audience is just reeling because GASP I am one of THOSE that just does things all willy nilly at the last minute! And the other half is all, YES THAT IS HOW IT SHOULD BE DONE).  And then I did NOT go to Target to get ANY decorations, I grabbed a couple cans of frosting from our local grocery store, made two dozen cupcakes.  We grabbed three $5 pizzas from Papa Murphy’s, and called it a day.  The girls came, they screamed for a good hour while I made them decorate their own darn cupcakes, we threw a couple pizzas at them, SERVED THEM WATER, and then put in a movie.  It was glorious.

And you know what? Not one girl commented on the lack of unicorn poop.  Or the lack of balloons.  Or streamers.  Or confetti.  Or handmade horns and tails.  And I am pretty sure they will not outcast my daughter at school for not having a party that Martha Stewart would sponsor.

And I had FUN.  I was not crying in the corner the night before the party.  I was not railing against my husband and dog for being ALIVE while I was trying to entertain 8 girls who just want to see how high they can scream and run around and… wait for it… BE CHILDREN.

Turns out, kids don’t need Pinterest.

And turns out… this mom doesn’t either.

How I survived



3 thoughts on “How I survived the Anti-Pinterest Birthday Party.

  1. A Freaking MEN!!
    That is what parties should be. Fun. Easy. We all needed to hear this.
    Thank you always, for you colorful and realistic view of life. ❤


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