the gravity of mom.

There’s this weird phenomenon that happens in our house.  I have a feeling that we need to be contacting people who genuinely enjoy physics and science and other things that are way above my head.  We need to open up our space to them and let them bring all sorts of weird sciencey instruments in to measure sciencey things with.

Gravity doesn’t work correctly in our house.

For some reason, it appears that whatever forces of gravity that would keep my Tiny Humans’ feet on the ground has dislodged itself from the center of the Earth and placed its focus right on my lap.  I can drop a book, and it lands on the floor.  I can drop a plate of food, and it lands on the floor.  I can throw a lego that I just stepped on, and after it bounces off the wall, it lands on the floor.  But…  if I sit down on the couch, three Tiny Humans IMMEDIATELY dislodge from whatever position they were holding and come BARRELING onto my lap.  It doesn’t matter what they are doing.  The Biggest could have just found a Unicorn, but if I sit down, her tiny body has no choice but to rush to my side.  Or ON my side if there’s still room.

After countless hours of testing, I have figured out that this works anywhere in the house.  There are some spots that are actually MORE prone to this weird science conundrum.  For example, should I sit at the kitchen table with food, THERE THEY ARE.  Stuck to my side, looking at me, as if they want something.  I’ve tried to ignore them, thinking maybe if I do that the gravity will unhinge itself and they will be able to walk away.  That didn’t work.  It appears as if the gravity phenomenon only gives up its power if I feed the Tiny Humans anything on my plate that looks edible enough for them.  I find this works faster if my plate is more on the GREEN side of things.

This phenomenon also occurs in the bathroom.  I can go in the bathroom to wash my hands, and I appear to be safe.  But should I actually try to sit down and take care of ANY type of business…. SHHHWWWOOOMP.  Three kids.  There.  With questions that NEED TO BE ANSWERED NOW.  The poor dears.  This error in gravity must be so frustrating for them.  To be pulled from your day-to-day life without a moment’s notice, just because Mom decided to sit down.  How awful for them.

It appears that the gravity pull is strongest if I am carrying something that would give the appearance of RELAXATION, such as a book, or coffee.  Also, if I am talking to another adult, Tiny Humans EVERYWHERE.

Like any good scientist, I have tested this theory time and time again.  It never changes.  Although one curious thing to note, it appears as if this does not work for Dad.  I have observed him from a distance, and have watched in awe as he sat down on the couch with BOTH book and coffee and…. nothing.  So I tried… sitting right next to him in case I can leach off of his anti-gravity-thing that he has… SSHHHHHHWWWWOOOOMP.  SCHWOOMP. SCHWOOMP.  Did not work.  I have watched him sit down and eat a whole meal without even one child having to BREAK THE RULES OF GRAVITY in order to get to him.  It’s amazing.

Dad is not entirely immune to this, however.  He, like any good man, understands that should the gravity prove too much for Mom, I will have no choice but to start affecting the gravity of other inanimate objects in our house, in a phenomenon that we have labeled “RAGE CLEANING”.  He also understands, with painful accuracy, that the more the gravity is centered on Mom, the less able I am to shift my own gravity post-nocturnal-slumber.  In laymen’s terms, as he puts it, “THE MORE THEY TOUCH YOU, THE LESS YOU TOUCH ME.”  He tries, mostly in vain, to coerce gravity to right itself.  “Who wants to go to the store with me? I’ll get everyone Ice Cream!!”” No one.  And yet, Mom can say, “Who wants to go with me to the doctor?! SHOTS FOR EVERYONE!”  schwoompschwoompschwoomp.

If any of you are science inclined and can explain this sometimes-painful phenomenon to us, we would be forever in your debt.



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